Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)purchased a week of Personal training at
the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football Cheerleader 43 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go Ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer Named Belinda, who
identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics Instructor and model for athletic clothing and
swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
goddess -- with blonde Hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave
Me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful Way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
Already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This Is going to be a
FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my
back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the Treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel It’s a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my
mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her
voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were
pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that
long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find
me then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in
the history of the world Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was
a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have anytriceps! And If you don’t want
dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than
a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the Choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I
did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel
SUNDAY
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that
this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose
a gift for me that is fun -- Like a root canal or a hysterectomy?!
